Out of the blue

Saying good bye to Raewyn

Saying good bye to Carmen

I was reading a blog earlier this evening and I suddenly started crying.

Michael and Jess were both very worried,

Michael and Jess simultaneously:

“What is wrong Mom/Vivian what happened?”

Me:

“Nothing, *sob* happened, *sniff*, I just miss Carmen and Raewyn soo much.”

Michael:

“Gee I thought you were going to tell us that your book was rejected.”

Then he went overboard to make me laugh:

“I thought maybe you got an email saying lady we don’t know what you wrote but the guy that read it just killed himself.  Now that would be serious.”

I am embarrassed to tell them what I was reading, that made me cry, it was not sad at all, I was reading a blog about independence.  The woman wrote how at the age of six she took a bus on her own.  The blog was about finding the balance.  I thought of my two independent girls who are living their own lives and that is when I started to cry. 

Ten minutes later Raewyn was sending me a very loving and mushy message.  I looked at Jess and said:

"I am on to you, you messaged Raewyn."

Raewyn told me Jess was worried about me, she shouldn't be I am a daft, middle aged and hormonal woman.

A few months ago it hit me, they really are not going to come back.  When Sayaka (my Japanese exchange student daughter) left I knew I had to be thankful for the time I had with her but the longing never goes away.  Then too soon Carmen and Raewyn were gone as well,  I am going to tell you all a little secret and you are going to think I am the worst Mother for this but here goes, I hoped they would fail so that they would have to come back home.  At the same time I knew how horrible that was.  I am glad that they are bravely paving their own ways in the world.  I am proud of them for their independence but not so long ago “We were the Mahoneys.”

There is this really sad movie called “We were the Mahoneys”  this family is a regular Brady bunch, they are ridiculously happy until the daughter is raped.  After this tragedy bad luck seems to take the family with a fowl sweep.  They end up all split up.  Don’t misunderstand we were not struck by a disaster but our family has become so little. 

I think about how we would spend hours in the pool playing Marko Polo or we would spend an entire weekend playing Age of Empires against each other.  The girls and I would secretly plot to try and beat Michael. 

Sunday nights watching movies eating popcorn, arguing about who is going to sit where, as we never had enough seats for everybody.  Laughter, fighting, tears and slamming doors, I miss it all.   

Michael and I had to learn how to cook for 3 and not 3 hundred.  We have a couch each to lie on when we watch movies. 

There is a shadow that has been over us for a long time now.  I don’t blog about it because I decided I will not talk about it until it is sorted but I tread water and keep my head above the surface.  I am fortunate to have a good strong man and lovely daughters.  A dear friend of mine’s favourite saying is, “This to will pass.”

 Nothing defines me more than being a parent.  It is my meaning to life.