Thursday, December 4, 2014

Mole Mole Mole Mole Mole

A couple of years ago, we were having a braai with friends.

Everything was going well.


Michael whispered to me around a corner:

"I can't stop looking at the long hairs growing out of ...............'s Mole"

My observation skills are not the best and I had not even noticed this.


After Michael's whisper.  I could see nothing else.  I felt like Austin Powers.

I could not concentrate on the conversation.

All I could think of was:


Our guests left shortly after this.  We have not seen them much since then, probably because I suddenly could not string a sentence together.  I suspect they think I was horribly drunk.

Monday, September 29, 2014

I am fat today

I have those days when I first look in the mirror and the reflection I see is the fattest woman in the world.

I mountain bike cycle now, have been for a year, I am losing weight steadily, yes I was morbidly obese, but now I am almost not obese anymore.

Last week Michael and I took part in our first race.

He took this picture of me.

I looked at the photo:

That is a very flattering photo of me.


That is what you look like now.


If this is true, I am not so fat anymore.

This is me a year ago:

And about 2 years ago in shorts:

I know I have come a long way but that beast will always be inside me.  The one that looks in the mirror and sees a monster.  

I don't blame media, skinny photoshopped models or anything else.  This is internal this is my own inner demon.  

When I look in the mirror tomorrow hopefully I will see perspective again and be able to say:

Hey I look good today.

Friday, September 12, 2014


When I was thinking about this post out in my head I was going to say I am not comfortable with food fights but that is PC bullshit.

The truth is I am fucking completely pissed off when I see a show, music video or anything else in which there is a food fight.  Last year my youngest daughter was chosen to be in the music video of a famous SA music band called "Die Antwoord"  translated "The Answer".  They were definitely not being the answer in their music video because in the one scene in the boarding school there is a food fight.

Call me pernickety call me a anal I really don't give a fuck but I know how it feels like to go to bed hungry and I know what it feels like to worry about what your children are going to eat.  Throwing food around is not a joke, is not funny is not cool, is not fucking anything worthwhile.

For many years now I have experienced comfortable middle class living but I remember:

I remember flavouring rice with different spices to make it seem like a different meal.

I remember nursing the vegetables in my garden because if they did not grow I did not know what my children would eat.`

I remember fried rice, stir fried rice, plain rice because all we had for a few weeks was rice.

I remember boiled potatoes, roasted potatoes, mashed potatoes, fried potatoes because all we had was a bag of potatoes for a few weeks.

I remember a kindly woman at my daughter's primary school giving my daughters a meal away from the other children so they would not be mocked.

I remember being embarrassed and grateful when my middle daughter sold silk worms to preschoolers  so we could have bread and jam at home.

I remember working 3 jobs and barely being able make rent or buy food.

So yes food fights and food eating competitions piss me off a great deal.

Charities such as Food for Life are uber cool because they empower people into making their own food.

Before you consider throwing food around or wolfing too much of it down for a stupid competition rather consider who you can give it to.

Wednesday, July 16, 2014

Why American TV shows worry me

If you are watching or have watched any of the following shows you may have come across a common concerning thread:


Walking Dead

Falling Skies



The 100

Under the Dome

The common thread that concerns me so much is how the people get very gun ho and turn on eachother.  There is an inability to deal with conflict.  Is this how American script writers perceive their culture?  Is this perception true?

I don't think it is entirely fair.  When I see footage of the behaviour after 911, people were not turning on each other and going to arms they seemed to be going out of their way to help each other.  

In most of these shows the characters do have to defend themselves but many conflicts are started unnecessarily because every body is so swift to take revenge.

On the other hand I have also seen footage of the riots that happened when there was a blackout in New York.  Also I have seen scenes of violence in New Orleans after being devastated by hurricane Katrina.   As a South African I am astonished at the reaction to blackouts.  We have black outs all the time, we carry on - cook on gas, light candles and wait for the power to come back on.

I think it is time that Americans started communicating with script writers and start asking them to send out a more positive message.  If an apocalypse hits Americans have for years been fed the message that they do not now how to deal with any difficult situation besides for shooting the crap out of eachother.

If you know anything about the history of my country South Africa you will know that in 1994 we went from Apartheid to a democratic country PEACEFULLY!

After many years of extremely bad human rights violations, people were angry and the situation could have been terrible.  Instead our new government set up a Truth and Reconciliation Commission.  The TRC played a vital role in taking a volatile situation and turning it to calm.

American script writers watch out you are teaching people that the only way to resolve a problem is to pick up a gun.

Friday, April 11, 2014

Guide to Cheesy Holidays

My Carmen has accepted a job in China - she leaves in August.

She told me that she would love to make a lot of money and get us all to come have a holiday with her in China.

I said, "Then I could for real take a slow boat in China"

Then I was thinking of how there could be a world tour of cheesy destinations.

1. Take a slow boat in China:

2.  Go to France to kiss:

3.  Go to France to eat fries even though these have nothing to do with France and originated in North America:

4.  See a letter in France:

5. Have a hamburger in Hamburg (again nothing to do with Hamburg - North American invention):

6. Actually go to Timbuktu:  (Check if the Ebolo outbreak is over first)

7. See a fly in Spain:

8. Eat Italian Kisses in Italy (No idea where these originate - chocs filled with ice cream.)  The Italians have a chocolate filled with hazelnut that that they call a Chocolate Kiss):

In South Africa we call these Italian Kisses
9.  Eat cheese in Switzerland - really really cheesy.

Monday, February 24, 2014


Michael and I have been watching "Lost".  In an episode somebody used literally incorrectly.


"People literally use literally all the time when they literally should not.  It literally should only be used literally in cases, like, 

"I literally fell off the wagon" - you know when you do fall off the wagon and not when you start drinking again."


"Like when you had sex and you say we were literally banging on the bed, oh no that is entirely wrong."


"It would work if you did not have sex and you were sitting on the bed banging drums."


"I could see "I literally have defined calves on my legs" working, but I would have to illustrate that one."


"I have no idea what you are talking about. I think you had to bring up calves because you are proud of your calves because of cycling."


"When I do the illustration you will understand."

Below are examples of when you can use literally (illustrated for ease of reference)

I literally have a bun in the oven:

I literally kicked the bucket:

I literally have a chip on my shoulder:

That literally is a piece of cake:

She was literally pulling his leg:

I literally have an axe to grind:

I literally hit the nail on the head:

I literally hit the sack:

Literally holding your horses:

I literally was dumped:

Anybody literally have any other good literally suggestions?

Tuesday, February 11, 2014

Our clients think I am psychic WOW

This is a typical day.



"@#$ @#$'s office good morning."

Annoying Client Very fucking annoying client:

"Hi Vivian, I did not get that email yet."

Me checking my sent items:

"It was sent at 8h30"

Very fucking annoying client:

"OK if it does not come in 20 minutes I will call again."




"@#$ @#$'s office good morning."

Very fucking annoying client:

"I still did not get the mail which email address did you send it to?"


"I sent it to"

Very fucking annoying client:

"Oh that is the wrong email.  I now use" (This is said in a tone as if I am supposed to know.)


"My apologies I will use my crystal ball before sending you emails again."

Alright I don't say that but I do wish.........