Sleep with one eye open

Michael and I are at war.

Michael started it this time. I left my work pc logged in on Facebook.

Michael saw this as an invitation and changed my status:

"There is no one better than Michael Halbhuber . I kiss the ground he walks on . He is the king"

What is worrying is that my friends actually liked my status before, Michael commented:

"Never leave your facebook logged in. he he he he"

Seriously friends do you think I am that sappy?

I changed my status to this:

"I am a victim of Facebook rape, Michael Halbhuber, you are lucky you did not leave your laptop at home."

Getting revenge was to easy, guess who left him self logged in on my work pc.

Michael's status now is;

"I don't know how one man could get so lucky, Vivian I love you sooooo much. I would do anything for you. This weekend I am going to wait on you hand and foot. I am going to give you back massages and make you breakfast in bed because you are so awesome."

To which he responded:

"Sleep with one eye open."

Made me think of the Metallica Song: Enter Sandman.

I'm not the only one

You know that corny expression, " I get a lot of exercise jumping to conclusions" ? The expression suites me well.  

For example:

I get into the car in a big huff

Me pointing at a man outside of the local supermarket:

"Girls do you see that man?  He is wearing expensive leather shoes, he probably has more money than I do.  Do you know that he just begged me for money and he wanted R 40.  Is he insane?"

Girls rolling around laughing:

"Ma, ha ha ma.... ha ha, he is selling handbags.  The handbags cost R 40"

Many years ago I put petrol in, I give money to the one attendant, the other attendant comes to me after washing the car's window.  I give him a tip.  

He looks at me with big eyes and says:

"But this is not enough!"

I am horrified:

"That is a decent tip, do you know I am not rich but I try my best to give a decent tip."

Attendant looking a bit scared:

"But the money for the petrol is R50"

I blushed a great deal and pointed out the guy who I gave the money to.

I do things like this all the time, as I have said before I am mostly ass-hole.

BUT

There was that one time when Michael was the ass hole and we teased him about it for ages.

My sister and I borrow each other's stuff all the time.  In fact there are many things that we don't know who owns them.   Michael and I moved in together very soon after meeting.  My sister's then boyfriend Royston popped by our house to get their braai back.  Royston was puzzled, Michael is always polite but he seemed very off.  When I saw Michael later he was upset.   

He said,

 "Royston was here and he borrowed our braai, he did not even ask nicely he acted as if he owns it."  

Yip he felt like an asshole when I told him that Royston does own the braai.  

Penny and Royston especially teased Michael telling him they would bring back his braai soon.

I am going to be replaced for Mars, OH WELL

I only found out today that applications for going to Mars are being taken for 2023.

They are going to go through applications and the chosen ones are going to be in a television show to chose the final lot. Pffft before they get on the space ship, it would be so much more exciting if they took everybody aboard the space ship and dumped the losers out to space.  EXTREME SURVIVOR SPACE.

Anyway although Michael thinks this is a super cool adventure, I don't.

The reasons I could never go to Mars:

• No ocean, imagine for the rest of your life never swimming in the ocean again.
• No matter how big that space ship is, there is no where else to go, you can't get off you can't go outside, you can't hop in your car and drive off till you run out of fuel.
• I don't know how many people are going,  even if there are a 1000 I would get so sick of them.
• What if I do something really bad what are they going to do to me?  Chuck me out of the space ship?
• When I get to Mars what is going to be there? What has been lurking in the shadows hiding from the rovers?

At the bottom of this post I have posted the criteria for going to Mars.

When it comes to personality types it seems they are gunning for a sociable A type, competitive but not too much, must be able to play fair with the team.  My personality is more like Z type, perfection really seems like sooo much bloody effort, I'll rather be me, thank you very much.  

Is "resiliency"  really a word????  Yes I know I make up stupid words all the time, but not when I am writing serious stuff, like uhm requirements to go to space.  

"persistent in thought" - Jess's thought processes are persistent when she wants something she will nag and nag and nag and nag.  Imagine being stuck for the rest of your life with a crowd of naggers.   

Uggh and that one about seeing the connection between my inner and outer self does not work, my inner self is super skinny, my out self is rather more.

I fit the criteria, "curiosity"  I am seriously curious and I never believe anybody, I research everything that everybody tells me, before deciding if it is true or not, which does not help with the next point, the trust one.  I don't trust anything that anybody tells me because people will believe any shit that they read in some stupid magazine or on the internet.

I think I can do for the creative and resourceful, quite well, yeah don't know how appropriate my humour is though.  

I told Michael it seems they are looking for couples, he said:

"I am going to have to find somebody else, I was getting bored with you anyway."

Bloody shite!

Characteristic	Practical Applications
Resiliency	Your thought processes are persistent. You persevere and remain productive. You see the connection between your internal and external self. You are at your best when things are at their worst. You have indomitable spirit. You understand the purpose of actions may not be clear in the moment, but there is good reason—you trust those who guide you. You have a “Can do!” attitude.
Adaptability	You adapt to situations and individuals, while taking into account the context of the situation. You know your boundaries, and how/when to extend them. You are open and tolerant of ideas and approaches different from your own. You draw from the unique nature of individual cultural backgrounds.
Curiosity	You ask questions to understand, not to simply get answers. You are transferring knowledge to others, not simply showcasing what you know or what others do not.
Ability to Trust	You trust in yourself and maintain trust in others. Your trust is built upon good judgment. You have self-informed trust. Your reflection on previous experiences helps to inform the exchange of trust.
Creativity / Resourcefulness	You are flexible in how an issue / problem / situation is approached. You are not constrained by the way you were initially taught when seeking solutions. Your humor is a creative resource, used appropriately as an emerging contextual response. You have a good sense of play and spirit of playfulness. You are aware of different forms of creativity.

Which organ do you want?

Our post offices have been on strike for 4 months. This is not really a big deal any more seeing that all the correspondence that I need I get via email.  The funny thing is many people did not even notice.  Living in Johannesburg, South Africa we are used to stuff like this.

Today is a public holiday in SA and yesterday people came to work on a burst water pipe in our street.  It bursts every 2 /3 months water gushes out for 2 to 3 days then the "repair" team come.

They dig the entire street up and we are without water for a day, till the next time.

BUT

They did not finish their work yesterday and did not come back today because it is a public holiday of course, so we have been without water for 2 days now.

My sister invited us for supper which was convenient because we could bath at the same time.  As our gardener worked today I asked him to deposit the keys in the mail box.
When I went to the mail box to get the house keys, I was sooo astonished.  In the mail box I found mail.  The strike is over.

Michael, Jess and I were all very excited but our excitement soon waned as four months of mail was 99 percent JUNK MAIL.

I found one to Michael and I which puzzled me, it was Jessica's school report for last term.  We received it via email a month ago.  So I held it up and said to Jess:

 "Congratulations you passed."

She then faked awe and surprise.

Next I opened a letter with my name on it.  Last year I joined up to be an organ donor.  My organ donor letter came with a card that I can carry in my purse and oddly three little stickers that say organ donor.

I said to Michael:

"I think I should phone them and say I need more organ donor stickers they only sent 3, and every time I bath they come off my body."

Michael:

"Even better call them and ask what the most wanted organs are, tell them you have put one sticker on your heart, one on one of your kidneys and now you want to know what other organ is essential."

Why Google why?

I am sure that you all know by now that Google predicts the kind of searches you make.

Every time I type in "How To......"

Google finishes my sentence with "make love"

Here is the proof:

I swear I never searched for "make love" before.  Hello Google I have 3 children and in my 40's if I think I should know by now.  Now you have added "kiss" is this a compliment are you saying I profile as sweet 16?


For a while Google Chrome went funny.  Every site that I went to was English and yet they would tell me that the site was Chinese, Russian and Spanish etc and do I want to translate.  Now that I wanted to do a screen shot to prove it, it is suddenly gone.  Do you think Google is messing with my head?

It should have a uni-brow

Michael:

"Am I seeing things I swear I have seen cars with eyelashes on?"

Me

"No it is real, it is a new thing"

A few days later Jess and I are walking in a car park and we come across an SUV with lashes.

Me:

"It doesn't seem right, fits cute little cars."

Jess:

"Yes this car should have a uni-brow."

A Happy Tummy is a Digesting Tummy

Michael and I went out last night and ate too much.

Note:  I only ate what I am allowed to, but a bit too much of that so don't judge me.

We saw the flower selling guy.  We started to discuss him we both knew that since we had been in Randburg,  he has always been around selling roses and he still looks the same and dresses the same.  We also realised that we had never bought a rose from him.  Michael called him over and we bought a rose and asked him how long he had been selling roses in Randburg.  He replied that he had been doing it for 18 years.

When we arrived home I quickly took Danielle to the shop.

Danielle:

"Awwh sweet Michael bought you a rose"

Me:

"Actually we felt sorry for the flower selling guy and bought it."

Danielle:

"Couldn't you have lied, you ruined the romance"

Me:

"Michael stared into my eyes, a tear was slipping delicately out of the corner of his eye and he whispered,  'I love you' and leaned over to kiss me, while holding the rose and my heart started pounding......."

Danielle:

"Stop it crazy lady."

Me:

"and I leaned over the table for the .......


Danielle blocking her ears:

"Stop it I am not listening."



Once home I put on comfortable clothes (No don't get the wrong idea, we are past that slipping into something comfortable, being not very comfortable lingerie, rather very unromantic tracksuit pants and t-shirts)

Michael:

"You won't believe this but I feel like having a chocolate now."

Me:

"Gee after the meal we had."

Michael:

"Its good for digestion"

Me:

"Huh?"'

Michael:

"They give people mint chocolates after a meal in fancy restaurants."

Me:

"I am pretty sure it is the mint that helps digestion not the chocolate."

Michael:

"The mint is to make your breath smell nice, the chocolate is for your digestion."

Me:

"No, I am sure it is the mint, chocolate stimulates your endorphins so you will be friendly and give a good tip."

Michael:

"Yes, so chocolate makes my tummy happy and a happy tummy is a digesting tummy."